When jokes

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.

When your crush walks in class but you're homeschooled...

What’s the opposite of an exorcism?

It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.

What do you get when you cross a clergyman and a politician?

A panhandler.

What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make a loud noise when thrown.

Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."

When you send nudes to your Roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone...

When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I have 206 bones in my body, but when I look at you, I have 207.

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.

But when you do, people scream and run away.

A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

As siblings, we always joke about being adopted. It stops being funny when you're playing in your parents' room and find both of your adoption papers.

"What do we want?"

"HEARING AIDS!"

"When do we want them?"

"HEARING AIDS!"

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!