When jokes

What's the difference between a baby and a salad?

Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.

Yo mama so fat, when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes.

I don't always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.

What did Hellen Keller do when she fell in a hole?

She screamed until her hands got tired.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."

What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?

Showing them the ropes.

What is the difference between a gay man and a fridge? A fridge doesn't moan when you put meat in it.

What's the worst thing about committing suicide? You can only do it once.

What's the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself? It wasn't sooner.

I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.

He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.

Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."

When dwarfs get high, do they just get medium?

What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he's still trying to back out of the driveway.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

What does your mom and a slinky have in common?

They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.

When midgets smoke weed, do they get high or do they get medium?

The teacher asks her class, "What is sex?" and Little Jonny stands up and says, "Sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?" and the teacher fainted.