When jokes
What's the best part of not wearing a condom when I'm with my girlfriend? My mom went through menopause.
My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.
Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?
Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.
Why don't wheelchairs have pedals, so when their arms get tired, they can keep going with their feet?
Me and my mom order Chinese food. So when it came, my mom grabbed the egg roll and started to suck it down. Then I ask my mom what are you doing. Then my mom says, "I love you for 5 dollar."
Q: Who are the fastest readers in the world?
A: The 9/11 victims. They went through 20 stories in seconds.
What does a skeleton say when it has a lot of stuff?
"I have a skele-TON of stuff to do."
When you're mean to the quiet kid in your class and he kills everyone, good times.
What first went through Sally’s head when the Nazis came?
A bullet.
People, when your lover cheats on you, do this!
1. Start a conversation. 2. Say, "What's that smell?" 3. They will smell around. 4. Say, "OMG, it's a b****," and walk away and ignore them.
Yo mama so fat that when she farted, Big Shaq took off his jacket.
What is missing when an orphan buys a laptop?
The home screen.
When does a kid become an orphan?
When the parents leave.
When you find out your great grandpa killed Hitler.
Yo mama so FAT...
That when she had sex with you...
Your balls turned to pancakes.
The cashier kicked me out because when he asked for 99 cents, I gave him 99 scents.
The cannibal says to the other cannibal, "I like it when humans fall from the sky because then they are meateor."
So one day a boy was at his dad's work when another little boy ran in crying. Then the dad said, "Aw, little boy, are you lost? Where's your parents?" And the little boy at his dad's work said, "OMG! Dad, you can't say that!"
Why can't he say that?
Answer: He works at an orphanage.
Whenever you see an orphan taking a selfie, photo bomb him and say, "Family photo!"
Why couldn’t Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?
Because she was wearing mittens.
What’s the difference between a microwave and a 10 year old girl?
The microwave doesn’t fart out blood and diarrhea when you pull your meat out.