When jokes

What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?

Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.

A German soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, "What happened?" and the soldier replies, "Hail hit her."

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo!

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

When you accidentally wipe a little too hard and your finger goes up your bumhole, triggering flashbacks of when you were 10 and your uncle stayed a few weeks. 😂

A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"

When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.

When China built the Great Wall, the Mongols invaded them and founded the Yuan dynasty. With Trump building his wall, will the Mexicans invade the US and found the Juan dynasty?

How do you know when a football player has been to jail?

When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.

I can’t hang out with an emo when they are sad? Why? Because it cuts deeply.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?

"Get off me homes."

What did the soldier say when he sees a terrorist in a wheelchair?

RC-XD incoming.

Why do they bury Germans 20 feet down when they die, instead of the usual 6 feet? Because deep down, Germans are ok.

I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing boeing boeing.