When jokes

What time is it when you get home? Can you walk walk and a car and get home and get a walk home and get a dog 🐕? Today is the night I can drive.

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

What time is it when you cannot walk anymore? Time to get a wheelchair 🦽

Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.

But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...

What happens when two pieces of bread from the same loaf have sex?

They become in-bread.

Don't see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too, though.

A man sacrificed children who played Roblox, so when someone knocked on the door, they said, "An administrator has banned you from heaven!"

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

I was going from Germany to Austria, and I accidentally crossed the border illegally. When the police caught me, they told me I was a Nazi. I asked them, "Why?" They said I didn't see the border.

What do you say when Trump is still president during 2020? Magic!

What are you going to have for a face when the baboon wants its butt back?

Hey guys! Ello here with an update!

I know I haven't been doing a lot of jokes lately, so I will make sure to do that, but I have something to say! I am going to Disneyland today!! So here is the plan. Today we are going to leave around 2 and go to Downtown Disney for dinner and check into our hotel and stuff like that. Then we are going to wake up bright and early tomorrow and go to Disneyland and stay 'til midnight, and then on Monday we are going to California Adventure! I am missing school on Monday! I'm so excited! And don't worry, I will make sure to tell you guys all about it when we get back. Love y'all!

When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.

When they say beat that pussy, I don’t play so punch it.

A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.

“Your right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.

“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.

Why did tube date electricity? Because he would light up when she touched him.

Women are like tornadoes.

They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.

When Stephen Hawking died, did they take him to the hospital or PC World?

When you send a dick pic and she sends one back,

I'm glad mine is the biggest, so I get to fuck my dad again.

A guy goes to the store to buy thyme.

When he got back to put the thyme away he realized he still had thyme left. This was all for nothing, it was just a big waste of your thyme.