When jokes

Teacher: What do you kids want to be when you grow up?

Kid 1: I want to be a firefighter.

Kid 2: I want to be a police officer.

Kid 3: I want to be dead like both my parents.

Teacher: Ok, everyone pull out your books.

Kid 4: Are we going to ignore what he said?

Teacher: What do you want me to do? Call his parents?

When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.

It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.

A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What happens when you find a bomb at your local bazaar?

It becomes a flee market.

Yo mama so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he just asked her to move.

What do you get when you put an ape's brain in a gorilla? A feminist!

You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.

Yo mama so ugly, when Santa saw her, he said, "Ho, ho, hole shit!"

Tell an emo, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"

Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiii fuck ur mom.

"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? You're adopted. Haley says she likes me more than you."

*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?

girl: Are you saying I'm fat?

What do you say when a cat says "me moaw"?

The cat says "me toooo!"

What’s 8 inches and women scream when they see it?

A puppy, you dirty monkey!

A man shot into a crowd at the train station and didn't hit one person. When the police asked why he missed, someone said, "'Cause he gay."

He couldn't shoot straight.

I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.

I needn't have bothered.

The next day, it was smeared all over my face.

You're so bald that when you wear a poncho, you look like a broken condom.

You're so ugly when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a fine for littering.

What happens when you put a baby in a blender?

The baby is a cherry smoothie.