When jokes

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

Chelsea Clinton.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

There are 206 bones in the human body.

207 when I'm at a nursery.

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

When cops say you have the right to remain silent,

You're just happy you have the right to do something.

Why do people hit their electronics when they don’t work?

You keep the tradition of hitting black things.

I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.

What do you call it when Panera Bread goes to space?

Good question.

What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?

Panera Behead.

Why don't rappers ever play hide-and-seek?

Because good luck hiding when your name's always dropping!

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

Damn boy, you must be Nick Cannon because you don’t know when or how to stop.

You know you are from China when you use rice instead of glue.

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in some laundry...