When jokes

A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

What did Chris Brown say when he saw Rihanna?

"I'd hit that."

When the depressed kid runs out of eyeliner, so he says "fruit ninja" with his wrists.

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

I asked an emo, "Do they get jealous when their phone dies?"

When you’re hiding from the school shooter next to people who made fun of you for having an Android: “HEY SIRI”

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

Your mama so fat, when she asked for a water bed they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.

What happened when the emo went through the self-checkout?

Two beeps went off.

Q. How does a girl from Alabama know when her mom is on the rag?

A. She can taste it on her brother's cock.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.

I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.

Onions was a good dog.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."

As a little boy, I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.

The next day my dad tells me, "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."

So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked, "Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy."

What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?

I feel like a kid again.

What happens when an asian with an erection bumps into a wall? he breaks his nose

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.

Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.

"Correct," says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.

"Correct again," says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"