When jokes

I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.

I like when people say they hate me because we have something in common. <3

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

When he asked who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

When you lose a game of Kahoot, so you kashoot up the school.

My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

When the depressed kid runs out of eyeliner, so he says "fruit ninja" with his wrists.

What did Chris Brown say when he saw Rihanna?

"I'd hit that."

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

I asked an emo, "Do they get jealous when their phone dies?"

When you’re hiding from the school shooter next to people who made fun of you for having an Android: “HEY SIRI”

What happened when the emo went through the self-checkout?

Two beeps went off.

Your mama so fat, when she asked for a water bed they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.

You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.

I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.

Onions was a good dog.

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.

Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.

"Correct," says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.

"Correct again," says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?

I feel like a kid again.