When jokes
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?
I like when people say they hate me because we have something in common. <3
Your mom's so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices!
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.
I was gobsmacked when I encountered the Jacko special at a Bunnings sausage sizzle. A 40-year-old sausage on 7-year-old white bread.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
How you feel when you slit yourself once: :(
How you feel when you slit yourself more than once: <:(
How you feel when you slit yourself everyday: *dead inside*
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a smurf?
A: Blue cheese.
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.
Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."
My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha
What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.
I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡
I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏
A priest was driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked him if he had anything to drink. The priest said just water.
The cop said, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest said, "Good Lord, it happened again!"
When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.