When jokes
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
Your mom's so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices!
I like when people say they hate me because we have something in common. <3
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.
I was gobsmacked when I encountered the Jacko special at a Bunnings sausage sizzle. A 40-year-old sausage on 7-year-old white bread.
How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
How you feel when you slit yourself once: :(
How you feel when you slit yourself more than once: <:(
How you feel when you slit yourself everyday: *dead inside*
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a smurf?
A: Blue cheese.
When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.
Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."
I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.
My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha
When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.
I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡
I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏