When jokes
I like when people say they hate me because we have something in common. <3
Your mom's so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices!
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?
Memes
I was gobsmacked when I encountered the Jacko special at a Bunnings sausage sizzle. A 40-year-old sausage on 7-year-old white bread.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
How you feel when you slit yourself once: :(
How you feel when you slit yourself more than once: <:(
How you feel when you slit yourself everyday: *dead inside*
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a smurf?
A: Blue cheese.
When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.
Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."
My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha
A priest was driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked him if he had anything to drink. The priest said just water.
The cop said, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest said, "Good Lord, it happened again!"
When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.
I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏
I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡
What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
Person 1: Goodness, when is Michael Jackson going to stop eating these white chocolate truffles? He is already making a goddamn mess on his bed eating a few of them.
Person 2: Well, he cannot resist the little white balls.
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.