When jokes

Yo mama so fat! When she jumps into a pool, NASA found water on Mars!

Why was 4 not impressed when 5 won a prize for 6?

Because 511472.

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

What do you get when you cross a redneck and another redneck?

Incest.

When you get caught about to shoot up the school,

*slowly puts AR to chin*

What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?

Her miscarriage.

What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?

"Deja moo!"

A rich girl is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through her head?

The helicopter blade!

What did the blonde say when I told a rape joke?

"Can you show me what rape is?"

When you think you can’t fail anymore if you’re dead, then you fail at suiciding.

Do you know pigeons die when they have sex?

I mean, the one I fucked died.

My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..

They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

Where did the orphans go when the orphanage blew up?

Everywhere.

What's the difference between a baby and a brick?

A brick doesn't cry when you throw it on a wall.

What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier?

“Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”

A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.

To not be outdone, the blond retorts:

"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"

One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.

But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay.

He replied, "No." The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?" The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever." So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked. "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before." The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?" The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.

Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."

Little Johnny was watching TV when he heard the TV say "bitch" and "bastard." He went over to his dad and said, "What is a bitch and bastard?" His dad looked at him surprised and said, "A bitch is a female, a bastard is a mailman." Johnny went back to the TV and heard them say "ass" and "shit," so he goes back to his dad and asks, "What shit and ass mean?" His dad says, "A shit is shaving cream like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat, why don't you bug your mom?" Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "fuck," so Johnny goes over to his mom and says to her, "What does fuck mean, mom?" She looks over at him and says, "Fuck means carving, like what I'm doing to this turkey!" A few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door. He walks over and answers it. He then says, "Welcome bitch and bastard, may I take your ass?" The people, looking horrified, then ask where his parents are. Johnny responds with, "My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey!"