When jokes

When I'm bored, I like to slap orphans. I mean, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?

There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."

The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.

What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She choked.

If chickens wake up when the rooster crows, then when do ducks wake up?

At the quack of dawn.

You know I want an ADHD cure.

When?

Squirrel!

Whenever you wanna roast an orphan, say "yo mamma".

What’s the difference between an onion and a photo of a dead relative? Nothing, they both make you cry when you look at it.

What does Michael Jackson say when he stubs his toe?

Ow!

What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?

At least you don’t die when you shower.

I screamed "Jenga" today when watching the 9/11 documentary.

I kinda feel sorry for Hitler.

Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.

Fake emo: when I’m sad, I cut myself.

Real emo: same.

Fake emo: another piece of cake.

Who needs April Fool's when your life is a joke?

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it...

Where does Hitler look first when he loses something? The attic.

Yo mama so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.