When jokes
I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the beach, the people shout, "Free Willy!"
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.
Yo mama is so fat, when she sat on Black Temple, it became Sunken Temple.
Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King when he was a prince.
Yo mama so fat, when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes to the photographer, he shoots himself.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes into a bank, they turn off the cameras.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he's pushing the Earth down.
When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.
Yo mama so stupid, she hides behind a glass door when playing hide and seek.
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
What is it called when the gynecologist slanders your grandfather?
A pap smear.
Have you ever tried sex when camping?
It's f***ing intense.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.