When jokes
I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.
Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
What is it called when a bull lies about other bulls?
Bullying.
Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?
I feel like a kid again.
What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing boeing boeing.
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?
The dentist!
What did the cow say when it saw the farmer twice in one day?
"Deja moo!"
What do dogs do when they lose their tail?
They go to the retail store.
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? -- When there's a sail on it.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
What do Japanese men do when they vote?
They have an erection.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.