When jokes
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.
What is tall when it's young but short when it's old?
A candle or a pencil!
When you get a pop-up book of the Qur'an and it just explodes as soon as you turn the page XD.
So when my parents say no to "isms," I say, "Can I be homophobic?"
A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"
My speech impediment has gotten so worse that I stutter when typing sentences.
Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.
Why be homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist when you can be quiet?
Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!
Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.
Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!
Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.
Karien: That is so boring!
Daiana: Well just work with me please?
Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!
What is black when it’s clean and white when it’s dirty?
Answer: A chalkboard.
So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.
When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.
What did the orphan say when his mum asked, "What do you want for dinner?"
He replied, " "
What do people have a shot at when it comes to love? Shooting them in the heart.
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.
When you go to an orphanage for a field trip: When the workers said, "I remember you as a kid."
What did they do with his body when he died?
They made him into Lego so kids can play with him for once.
Ur momma's so fat that when she became a spy her codename was OObese.
When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"
They finally released the audio recording from the black box in Kobe’s helicopter.
Apparently when the helicopter caught fire, Kobe was sitting right next to the only fire extinguisher. You could hear everyone screaming for him to put out the fire, but he couldn’t figure out how to use it. They begged and pleaded for him to give the extinguisher to anyone else... the last thing you hear is Kobe saying “I’d rather die than pass it!”
What’s red, 11 inches, and makes my girlfriend cry when I slap her with it?
Her miscarriage.