When jokes
When they walk in and you're fucking... everyone at the morgue.
Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...
I wish that when Mario dies to some random object, I died too.
What do you get when you throw holy water on a cow?
A holy cow!
Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?
That depressed kid in class: Dead.
Teacher: What do you want when you grow up?
That depressed kid in class: Dead.
When his dick is really, really small, but you pretend it is so big it hurts so you don’t make him feel bad 'cause he is a nice guy.
Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A. A seatbelt.
Q. What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?
A. Calculus homework.
Women: Can I have your number?
Jesus: No.
Women: Why? Are you scared?
Jesus: No. Just when you wanna talk, just pray.
What’s the difference between a computer and Paul Walker? I give a crap when my computer crashes.
Yo mama so fat, when she landed on the earth, the earth cracked like eggs. LOL.
Clarie: I don't even care if it was a joke he made on me, you and Karlen, and if you think I'm getting over it, then you must have an oatmeal for a brain.
Jordan: Clarie ... you are so sensitive when she tells a little joke about you, me, and Karlen.
Clarie: It was painful!
Jordan: Who cares? I laughed. Ben is not a bad person, okay, calm down.
Clarie: Ben is a bad person. We are making friends with a bully/thug, but you say that he is not a "bad person", my mom is going to kill me if she finds out that I am hanging out with those kinds of people!
Jordan: Then don't tell her! Listen, I need you, give Ben a chance! Please?
Clarie: Shush, Karlen is coming!
Karlen: Hey guys, that Ben guy for sure has a way of saying words, I wish I could hurt him!!
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.
What is tall when it's young but short when it's old?
A candle or a pencil!
When you get a pop-up book of the Qur'an and it just explodes as soon as you turn the page XD.
So when my parents say no to "isms," I say, "Can I be homophobic?"
A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"
My speech impediment has gotten so worse that I stutter when typing sentences.
Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.