Whats Jokes

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.

What do you call an autistic person? Names.

I'm autistic myself, so don't go crying in my comment section.

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

What does Michael Jackson and Jeffery Dahmer have in common?

They both enjoy kids' company.

What do you call Dr. Disrespect on top of a building?

Diddler on the Roof.

Whats up brother

The image shows four photos of a cute, white baby goat with different expressions, arranged in a 2x2 grid. The top left photo shows the goat looking up with its head held high. The top right photo shows the goat looking to the side with a neutral expression. The bottom left photo shows the goat with a slightly smug expression. The bottom right photo shows the goat with its head tilted slightly back and eyes narrowed. The text above the image reads: "When the teacher uses your name as a good example."

You know what I hate about rape?

Keeping it a secret.

What did death say during a helicopter crash?

KOBE!

What is it called when Bill Cosby and an illegal immigrant fight?

Aliens vs. Predator

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.

1 hour before:

So let me get...

Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!

Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*

What is a school shooter's favorite animal?

A Desert Eagle.

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

What do you call an African American pilot?

A pilot, you racist bastard!

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

What car does Hitler drive?

A Fuhrerri.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.

What has two legs and is red all over?

Half a cat.

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!