I bought a guh on the weekend. (whats a guh?) a GUHZZLE DEEZ NUTS! 🥜 🔩 🌰
Whats the difference between paul walker and a fly? its the sound they make when they hit the windshield
Roses are red, clovers are green. I love your legs and whats in between. LOL
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.
Somebody asked me whats that on your arm I just said "My cats got ocd"
My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh this, I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."
“I’m thinking about killing off the main character in this book I’m writing.”
“What type of book is it?”
“An autobiography.”
Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.
What did the north tower say to the south tower?
"Let’s talk later, I gotta catch a plane."
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.
What do you take care of after a car crash? The witnesses
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
"Go big or go home", that's what some people say.
"Go loud and proud", that's what other people say.
"Go out with a big, loud bang!", that's what I say.
