What the difference between Hitler and Usain bolt?
One actually finished a race
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.
Somebody asked me whats that on your arm I just said "My cats got ocd"
My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh this, I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."
“I’m thinking about killing off the main character in this book I’m writing.”
“What type of book is it?”
“An autobiography.”
Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.
What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting
What did the north tower say to the south tower?
"Let’s talk later, I gotta catch a plane."
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
What do you take care of after a car crash? The witnesses
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
you know what really gets me under my skin when im down? sharpener blades
"Go big or go home", that's what some people say.
"Go loud and proud", that's what other people say.
"Go out with a big, loud bang!", that's what I say.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like
