What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
One actually finished a race.
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.
"I'm thinking about killing off the main character in this book I'm writing."
"What type of book is it?"
"An autobiography."
Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
What did the north tower say to the south tower?
"Let’s talk later, I gotta catch a plane."
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.