What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
One actually finished a race.
Whats Jokes
Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."
My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.
"I'm thinking about killing off the main character in this book I'm writing."
"What type of book is it?"
"An autobiography."
What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.
Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
What did the north tower say to the south tower?
"Let’s talk later, I gotta catch a plane."
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.
You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
"Go big or go home," that's what some people say.
"Go loud and proud," that's what other people say.
"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that's what I say.