Sunday jokes
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
Q. What kind of school does an ice cream man go to?
A. Sunday school!
Psst! Don't understand? Well, "Sunday" sounds like "Sundae." Get it now? Nope? Sorry. Plus, it's an ice cream homophone joke.
Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
A cowboy rides into a ranch on Sunday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How is this possible?
One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.
His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.
The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in her butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”
“That explains one black eye,” the wife says, “but what about the other?” The man explains, “I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there.”
Mexican Comedy Week
Margarita Monday Taco Tuesday Wetback Wednesday Tequila Thursday Fiesta Friday Shake It Saturday Sneaky Sunday
Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.
Few jokes (sorry if they have already been used).
1 I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2 Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he always has a great fall.
3 Have you heard the one about the skunk? Never mind, it really stinks.
4 It's always windy in a sports arena. All those fans.
5 What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
6 Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here."
7 What's the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.
8 Why were they called the Dark Ages? Because there were lots of knights.
A man went to buy 5 undies, so he said, "Hi, 5 undies, please, 1 for each weekday." Then another man comes and said, "Hi, 7 undies please, 1 for each day, and they'll finish cleaning by Sunday." So the cashier said, "Now that's more like it!" And then another person said, "Hi, 12 undies please, wait, I'm gonna double check... January... fe"
The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”
Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “How do you know this?”
Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””
Where does the banana learn to split? At Sunday school.
Why is Sunday better than Monday?
Because Monday is a weak day.
Why did the sun go to church?
Because it needs Jesus.
What pants do you wear to church? Hole-y ones.
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One is for Sunday morning, and one is for Sunday night.
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned!”
Black comedy name week:
Malt liquor Monday Tupac Tuesday Watermelon Wednesday Thong Thursday Fried chicken Friday Sukie Sukie Saturday Slap a hoe Sunday