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My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his Grandmothers nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still waring them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

If wishes were horses Beggars would ride: If turnips were watches I would wear one by my side. And if if’s and an’s were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!

A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.

Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man? After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!

What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.