Violence jokes

Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?

They are more open-minded.

What does a cannibal do after eating its vegetables?

Sells the wheelchair.

You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.

First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"

HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"

How do you make an eight-year-old girl cry twice?

Wipe your bloody cock off on her favorite teddy bear after you’ve raped her.

How many children can you fit in a box?

Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.

Where did little billy go when he was stuck in a minefield... everywhere.

That joke was pretty dark, but it got pretty light for a second.

What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?

... A boner.

What do Americans call high school?

Shooting range.

Do you know how a dragon is? You don't know who? It's dragging these 2-liter balls across your pathetic face and slamming it into a f*cking dumpster you regret.

What is more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?

Catching it with a pitchfork.

I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.

What are three things the Twin Towers have in common with my dad? They are big, sexy, and smashed your mom.

What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.

So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

Are you a gun, because I would be your bullets because I love going in children.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

I'll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I'm a baker's man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I'll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you're now worthless to me!