Violence jokes

What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?

Optimistic.

What are the best shooting ranges in America?

Schools.

What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?

An erection.

I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"

Little Johnny's dad was driving him to school when they came up on a couple in a convertible. It was apparent that they were arguing. You could then see the woman pull out a knife. Seconds later, his dad saw a penis land in the windshield. Worried little Johnny will see it, he quickly turned on the wipers and brushed it off.

"What was that, Dad?" asked lil Johnny. "Oh, just a bug," said his father. With a confused look on lil Johnny's face, he then says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't he?"

How do you tell the difference between a Palestinian elementary school and a terrorist training camp?

Answer... I don't know, I just fly the drone.

What's the difference between a man and a table?

The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.

What's the best part about a dead hooker? The second hour is free!

My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?

Why didn't Logan Paul high five the Asian man? Because he loves to leave Asians hanging.

What is red and goes 200 miles per hour?

A baby in a blender.

Me and my stepmom went into the forest.

I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"

How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

A straw.

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

Remember kids if ur ever mad beat up an orphan what are they gonna do call their mom??

Three rednecks, Billy, Joe, and John, are talking about their hobbies. They agree on shooting. John says, "I like shooting animals." Joe says, "I like shooting birds." Billy says, "I like shooting cans." Joe and John ask, "What kind of cans, like bear cans, Pepsi cans, or cola cans?" Billy responds, "Africans, Mexicans, Jamaicans, and Asian Americans."

Today, I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints. Wow, I’m so nice taking care of the disabled.

What sort of file turns a one inch hole into a two inch hole?

A pedophile.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.