Violence jokes
My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.
She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."
What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?
...A girl scout that got hit by a car.
I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."
When I'm bored, I like to slap orphans. I mean, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?
How many gangsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
35! Do you have a problem with that?
What is white, black, and red and can't fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head!
Which is redder: a baby or a red car? It depends on how the baby was killed!
what do you call a rape victim in Ukraine?
Debris.
A normal kid brings an MP3 to school.
A rich kid brings an MP4 to school.
A quiet kid brings an MP5.
What do you call a terrorist on a wheelchair?
C4.
My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
You. Me. Gas station. What are we getting for dinner? Sushi of course. Uh oh! There was a roofie in our gas station sushi. We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.
Horny fish. You know what that means. Fish orgy. The stench draws in a bear. What do we do? We're gonna fight it. Bear fight. Bare handed. Bare, naked? Oh, yes please. We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese. Dance Dance Revolution. Revolution? Overthrow the government? Uh, I think so. Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ. Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do. Then I smoked a joint, greened out. Then I turn into the sun. Uh oh! Looks like the meth is kicking in. aklfhaofhasfahfakh AAAAAAAAA afahfioahflkf AAAAA
Roses are dead, violets smell like poo, I got a big fucking shotgun, what you gonna do?
A guy walks into a bar. He sees a hot girl. He walks up to her and says, "You're getting laid tonight." She replies, "What are you, some sort of psychic?" He says, "No, I'm just stronger than you."
I saw identical twins. I threw a paper plane at them.
When you're banging the class slut and the school shooter says to leave his corpses alone.
How many babies does it take to paint a room red?
Depends how hard you throw 'em.
What do you call a decapitated politician?
A severed head of state.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"
Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"