Violence jokes

When I got to school, they gave me an Acer laptop, so I went up to the teacher and aced her.

Q: What is Chris Brown's #1 Hit? A: Rihanna

I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."

Why does Aaron like men? Because his dad beats him.

How many terrorists does it take to tile a roof?

It depends on how thin you slice them.

What is the last thing that goes through a suicide bomber's mind?

His arse.

True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

POV: Your mum is a bomber.

What did the orphan do when he got punched?

Nothing, because his parents weren't there! :)

How do you fit a hundred babies into a small bucket?

With a blender.

Get shanked with a lamb shank with a stinky pampa in the tolpan.

What happens when you hear about Mary Brittain beating a Thomas?

You cook spaghetti with his blood!

What's a crazy man's favorite phrase when he has a knife?

"Freak out!"

What's the difference between a pizza and a guy you really hate?

One won't scream when you remove their meat.

I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.

What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?

The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”

Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”