Violence jokes

When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.

Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."

A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.

Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."

I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

What is red and white and goes 200 mph?

A baby in a blender.

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.

How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.

Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.

Damn, I love being a sniper.

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red and black and white and white and black and red and red and black and red and white and black and red and red and red and red?

A penguin in a blender.

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.

What goes 100mph and bounces up and down? A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.