Violence jokes

When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.

Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."

A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.

Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."

I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

What is red and white and goes 200 mph?

A baby in a blender.

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.

How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.

How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3

I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red and black and white and white and black and red and red and black and red and white and black and red and red and red and red?

A penguin in a blender.

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

What goes 100mph and bounces up and down? A baby tied to the back of a truck.

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.