Violence jokes

How do you circumcise someone from Alabama?

Kick his sister's jaw.

What is red and white and goes 200 mph?

A baby in a blender.

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.

Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."

I saw identical twins. I threw a paper plane at them.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red and black and white and white and black and red and red and black and red and white and black and red and red and red and red?

A penguin in a blender.

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."

A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.

Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."

I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.

How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.

How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.

Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3

What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?

“They both blow heads.”

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

How to kill a blind person.

Give them a gun and tell them it's a hairdryer.