What do you do when your baby starts screaming? Use more lube.
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate' "
I used to be into necrophilia. Until that rotten cunt split on me...
The doctor says "your wife is PREGNENT" the man says that he used a condom and the doctor says "ya but I didn't
My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian I ask her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I've been trying to use Google Maps in Ukraine, but I couldn't because I only saw Russia.
yo mama so fat, she uses the equater as her belt
When my dad left he said he would bring back the milk but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him and he said "I used all the milk to make your sister"
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.
I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self control
I was studying in Turin and my professor told me I had to use PENS only. I looked in my bag for pens and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you Penaldo!
Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.
Why can’t Indian women drive?
They’re too used to riding their camels
What do Phillips adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling
Chuck Norris used to be an orphan
Because some families were too scared of his bravery to adopt him
Why did the united nations stop the french government from using the guillotine in public? Because the french government was using the guillotine on new born babies for circumcision.
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
Where are the best shooting ranges in America? Used to be in schools, but now in subways.
