Use Jokes

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.

What kind of vacuum does an abortion center use? A: Dyson.

God: “Steven, join us.”

*sees the staircase to heaven*

Steven: “Shit.”

So, if the reason people used to hang women was because they were seen as witches back in the day, if boys were to be hung, would they be called wizards?

The image is a comparison between a "Girlfriend" and "Uranium-235" each with a list of properties. Both are "Unstable", "Will split up on you", "Hard to find", and "Expensive". The girlfriend "Cannot be used to make atomic bomb" but the uranium can.

What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage?

"Let us prey together."

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up..\n\nI now suffer from anxiety AND depression :\

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.

Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?

Pencils confused him: 2b or not 2b.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

This page could use more "butt quack" jokes.

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"

When Stephen Hawking was feeling hungry, he used to call in to his local PC World for a megabyte and some microchips.

Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft Paint.

God: “Steven, join us.”

Sees the staircase to Heaven.

Steven: “Ahh, fu-”

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

The judge asked Bill Cosby for his defense. He used feminist talking points and said "My body, my choice" and "It's my right to privacy." The judge, being impartial, let Cosby go.