Tree

ShiftyDealer69

When its been halloween for a few months but there’s still a body hanging from your neighbours tree

Wife

Scott

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

Man

Anonymous

Why Couldn’t the Japanese man give a high five?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

Depression

Hangy Boi

What’s a similarity Cliff Hanger and Nooses?

They both leave you Hanging

People

Anonymous

What do suicidal people do in their spare time?

Hang out.

Common

Emo

What do emos and apples have in common?

They both hang on trees.

Man

sans

a man walks into a bar, and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. when he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says “If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone’s drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?” the man decided not to take the risk. he thought the steaks where too high.

People

ButtCheeksRNasty

so if the reason people used to hang women because they were seen as witches back in the day, if boys were to be hung would they be called wizards?

Depression

Anonymous

what do depressed people and Apple’s have in common?

they both hang from trees

Kid

Anonymous

I’m going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I’m a piñata

Nut

5

A pirate walked into a bar with his ship’s steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, “Hey! What’s with the steering wheel?” The pirate says, “I don’t know but it’s driving me nuts!”

Sister

Te4inchpounder

So I’m banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right? And I’m thinking to myself, “She’s PROBABLY got AIDS.” So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I’m positive. This gets me thinking, “Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!” “Who has my sister been hanging out with?!”

Yo mama

Anonymous

Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

Circle

Anonymous

why do emos like circles because they can hang out with them

Puns

Anonymous

They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.

Depression

Anonymous

What do you call a man off the ground? Hanged.

Depression

Anonymous

what does an apple and a lawyer have in common?

they both look good hanging from a tree

Depression

Anonymous

What’s a depressed kids favorite holiday… Christmas because everything is hanging

Difference

Thomas

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him ?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Jesus

IAmDaemon

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it… at least Jesus didn’t get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

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