Use jokes

God: “Steven, join us.”

Sees the staircase to Heaven.

Steven: “Ahh, fu-”

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

Two teenagers were raping an 11-year-old girl in an alley, so I stepped in to help. The little bitch didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

Why did the wetback cross the river? To get to the US.

You use your legs as support, you count on your fingers.

Roses are not always red, Violets are violet, not blue. Irises are never red, Petunias can be kinda blue.

What does this tell us 'cept you can't trust a poet to tell the truth.

Student: "May I use the restroom, professor?"

Professor: "Oui oui."

Student: "No, professor, doo doo!"

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.

I have a pen, I have an Apple, um, Apple pen.

The Taliban had a plane, the US had a building boom, 9/11.

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

Ring ring.

Abortion clinic!

Where no fetus can beat us.

What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

I used to be into necrophilia. Until that rotten cunt split on me...

What do you do when your baby starts screaming?

Use more lube.

I used to have a fear of hurdles.

But I got over it.

The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!