Use jokes

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

What did the depressed kid do in P.E.? They played with the jump rope, but they used it the wrong way.

Hey any riding with Biden fans out there?

I ran out of gas and could really use a ride so if one of ya'll can call me and pick me up that'd be great and I can't get gas because I only have 20 bucks which is like 1-5 and a half, help me please.

Me: Why do you need to use shampoo when you are already bald? 🤣

Your hairline is so bad when I looked at you, I had to use accessibility.

My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.

If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

What brand of paint did Michael Jackson use to paint Neverland Ranch?

Dutch Boy.

Yo mama so fat, she uses the equator as her belt.

I wish we could implant all parts because I could have used some car parts from Stephen Hawking after he died.

When a deaf person has sex, do they use one hand to moan?

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said, "Okay class, what's behind my back?" She said, "It's round and red," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's an apple!" And the teacher said, "No, but I like where you're going with this." So now the teacher said, "It is also used to make multiple things," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's a container of paint!" And the teacher said, "Again, no, but I like where you're going with this." And the teacher said, "It's a ball of yarn," as she pulled it out from behind her back. Then Little Johnny said, "Okay, my turn." He said, "What's in my pocket? It's round and it has a head." And the teacher said, "That's enough, Johnny, now sit down." And Little Johnny pulled the thing out of his pocket and said, "It's a nickel, but I like where you're going with this."

What do emos use as birth control?

Their personalities!

A little riddle...

Trump has it short, Kennedy has it long, the Pope has it but he doesn't use it, what is it?

...

Obviously the Surname, what are you thinking about you pervert?

Am I the only one who's on here because it's not blocked on the school laptop and I can't use my phone in class?

Cows go moo.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

What does a Trump supporter use to load his/her AR-15?

A MAGAzine.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

What's white, red, blue, and brown all over?

The American flag I used to wipe my ass with.

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.