US jokes
I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."
We destroyed two boats, and they dropped the sun on us twice!
We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!
I love vegans because they save more meat for us.
Why does the sky think it's so powerful?
Because it's always looking down on us.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He was just feeling like he needed a break, you know? Life is hard when you're a rooster looking after your hen and chicks. He just wanted a sense of normality, walking out of the farm. He felt light-headed, staring into the distance. Then, at this very moment, he realised it was his darkest hour.
Join us for more of the story, after the break!
I'm really worried for Stephen Hawking, 'cause how is he going to climb the stairway to Heaven?
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
What did the priest say to the skunk?
Let us spray.
"You da bomb!" "No, you da bomb!"
In the US, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.
Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.
Depressed people have beautiful smiles. Okay, it's not a joke for normal people, but it's a joke for us.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
"My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."
I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.
All I said was, "Hurry up, some of us got homes to go to..."
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!
Two guys were beating up someone in an alley, so I stepped in to help.
He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.
Who's the Roblox YouTuber that always sees Among Us and says "stupid"?
Did you know that in 2001 there was an Among Us game, except that it was on a plane and had two imposters.