US Jokes

Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.

My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I answered, "Happy."

The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.

Why do people like dating us emo girls? Because of the texture on our thighs.

Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.

Rules of Dark humor:

1. All subject matter can be used, nothing is off limits.

2. No saying "Me" or "My Life" as a joke. Nobody finds those funny. We want actual good and meaningful jokes.

3. Don't Repeat Previously Posted Jokes. If you are saying the same joke that the person right before you posted you are just begging for attention and nobody by any means likes that.

I will add more in the future and be frequent on this site.

- Sincerely, Zane

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A meme with two parts. The upper part is a dialogue between a kid and a mother about dark humor. The mother tells her kid to tell a man without arms to clap. The kid responds he's blind, and the mother says, "Exactly." The bottom part shows a man in a sports uniform being interviewed in front of a football field at night. The text on the image says, "They had us in the first half, not gonna lie."

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.

Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.

Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.

But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.

People are pushing for a new black Lady Liberty coin. I can't wait to use black people as currency again.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

What is a glory hole at the adult book store used for?

Campaign contributions to the Republican Party.

How did Stephen Hawking please his woman? He uses a hard drive.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.

Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired).

Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.

I conducted a survey. I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?" 😂😂😂