US jokes

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive subject.

We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!

Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"

Why is a bee's hair so smooth and sticky?

Because they use honeycombs.

Why does the sky think it's so powerful?

Because it's always looking down on us.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was just feeling like he needed a break, you know? Life is hard when you're a rooster looking after your hen and chicks. He just wanted a sense of normality, walking out of the farm. He felt light-headed, staring into the distance. Then, at this very moment, he realised it was his darkest hour.

Join us for more of the story, after the break!

I'm really worried for Stephen Hawking, 'cause how is he going to climb the stairway to Heaven?

What did the priest say to the skunk?

Let us spray.

When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

What do you call a letter using the bathroom?

The P.

There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?

The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

"You da bomb!" "No, you da bomb!"

In the US, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said, "Okay class, what's behind my back?" She said, "It's round and red," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's an apple!" And the teacher said, "No, but I like where you're going with this." So now the teacher said, "It is also used to make multiple things," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's a container of paint!" And the teacher said, "Again, no, but I like where you're going with this." And the teacher said, "It's a ball of yarn," as she pulled it out from behind her back. Then Little Johnny said, "Okay, my turn." He said, "What's in my pocket? It's round and it has a head." And the teacher said, "That's enough, Johnny, now sit down." And Little Johnny pulled the thing out of his pocket and said, "It's a nickel, but I like where you're going with this."

Yo mama is so skinny, she uses floss as toilet paper.