US jokes

This isn't a joke, but I'm a survivor and use humor to cope. I find these extremely funny, so please leave the people writing these alone 😭

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

A wild Iceberg appears! Titanic uses ram! It is not very effective. (Titanic sinks.)

Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?

He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.

What caused Captain Hook's death?

He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

I saw a man trying to rape a girl. I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against both of us.

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using the computer?

There is sperm on the computer screen.

My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

Why doesn’t the US want to play chess with the UK?

The US is already down 2 towers, and the UK has an unkillable queen.

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

I had to stop using cutting jokes because they were getting too deep.

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.

A fake name and a fake phone number.

To all of you who can't understand using jokes as a coping mechanism... you know what I will ask of you :)

Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A. A seatbelt.