US jokes

Car

    • Two persons were in a car. The brakes were broken and they were going so fast that they would crash and die.

    The driver said: "Oh no! We will die!" but the person sitting next to him replied: "Don't panic, the stop sign at the end of the road will stop us."

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    • Bomb

    • Know the nuclear bombs of the world.

    🇷🇺🧨 a “bad” bomb

    🇨🇳🧨 “ww3”

    🇬🇧🧨 a “good” bomb

    🇺🇸🧨 Japanese area testing

    🇮🇱🧨 what bomb

    🇮🇷🧨 just self defence

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    • Chess

    • Why do US suck at chess? We lost both our towers.

    Why is England so good at chess? They still have their queen.

    Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.

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    • Woman

    • Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high-ranking position in the US government?

    Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

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    • US memes

    Prison

    • Our soon to be ex-Justice Minister is trying to distract us from his own misconduct charges by funding advocates for crime victims.

    He should fund proctologists too because he'll likely need both after prison.

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    • Covid

    • Q: What is found deep inside of us, and the more we express our love for each other the more it spreads throughout the world?

    A: Covid.

    Hooker

    • The real dead hooker joke is on all of us from the Fraser Valley in BC. You know damn well each and everyone of us ate that Pickton hooker pork. Considering it stretching from the 80's-2000's, pretty sure he got 4 generations of Valley folk with that Pickton pork.

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    • Parent

    • Hey guys, it's Hailey here.

    I'ma start off with henlo ;-;

    I know you guys aren't going to believe me because of the assholes who were faking to be me, but if you can try to believe me, I'll explain.

    So, Jake, we can't really be together anymore, since we no longer can chat. I'm so sorry.

    Basically, my parents caught us on here as you realized. Yayyyy.

    I don't have time to say anything else. So I've gotta go, but thankyou guys for everything you did for me.

    Also, you won't get any response from me so yea. So sorry guys ;-;

    Cookie

    • Jayden March, a name so bold, Never knew the joy of cookies untold. In a world of sugar and sweet delight, He stood apart, an unusual sight.

    While others indulged in sugary bliss, Jayden abstained, dismissing the kiss Of chocolate chips and dough so divine, His willpower strong, his resolve intertwined.

    No oatmeal raisin or double fudge, Could tempt his taste buds, not even a nudge. For Jayden March, a different path he took, In a world of cookies, he never partook.

    His reasons unknown, a mystery untold, Perhaps he sought something purer than gold. Or maybe he craved a different kind of treat, One that couldn't be found in a cookie sheet.

    But as the years passed by, curiosity grew, Whispers of wonder, questions anew. Why did Jayden March deny such delight? Was there a secret hidden in his resolute fight?

    Some say he found solace in nature's embrace, In the rustle of leaves and the wind's gentle pace. Others believed his heart sought a different reward, In acts of kindness, love freely poured.

    Jayden March, a man of mystery and grace, Marched to a beat only he could embrace. In a world of cookies, he found his own way, Leaving us wondering, pondering day by day.

    For though he never tasted the sweetness of a treat, Jayden March's story remains incomplete. A reminder to us all, to explore and define, Our own desires, our own paths to find.

    So let us celebrate Jayden's unique choice, And listen to the whisper of our own inner voice. For in a world of cookies, may we remember, That sometimes it's the journey, not the taste, we treasure.

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    • Fax

    • An Australian, an American, and a British man are on a golf course.

    They're all on the green and working out their next shot when a phone starts ringing.

    "Terribly sorry," says the Brit, but instead of getting out a phone, he twists his earlobe around to reveal a speaker and opens his bottom lip to reveal a microphone and takes the call.

    The other two are pretty impressed, and the Brit shrugs modestly.

    "State of the art British tech. Surgically implanted. Amazing stuff."

    They get set to resume, but another phone goes off.

    "Ugh, sorry guys," says the American, but instead of taking out his phone, he holds up his hand, taps the palm with his other hand, and it turns into a screen. As the other two watch, the American has a video call.

    When he's finished, the other two are impressed, but the American waves it off.

    "No biggie. Just the latest and greatest in digital communications from the good old US of A."

    Again, the three are about to continue their game when there's a strange, electronic sound and, much to the other two's surprise, the Aussie runs off into the bushes.

    The Brit and the American follow him and soon find the Aussie squatting down in the middle of a clearing, clothes around his ankles, bare-assed and grunting.

    "What the hell..." one of them says, but the Aussie holds up his hand in apology.

    "Sorry fellas, got a fax coming through..."

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    • Lesbian

    • Today is Good Friday, so there will be no meat for us to eat. Instead, we have to do what lesbians do and eat fish.

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    • Asteroid

    • When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

    98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

    1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

    Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

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    • Emo

    • What do us emos all have in common?

    Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."

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