Ups jokes

Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.

Doc: What's wrong with that?

Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.

What to say to a single guy who's insulting you: "Shut up, you horny virgin!"

Trump's cabinet are like panties. Some crawl up your butt, some snap under pressure, and some actually cover your butt when you need them.

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up..\n\nI now suffer from anxiety AND depression :\

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

What is the difference between cremation and smoking?

While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.

A guy walks into a mosque... then blows up.

Yo mama so short, she wakes up every day in a brick house singing “Everything is Awesome”.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: "You mathematicians don't know your limits."

Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?

There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!

Why did Germany win World War Two? Wait—that's not right... um... excuse me while I look up who won the war...

*disconnected*

Two skeleton brothers are talking.

1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"

2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"

Q: What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

A: Loading up the dishwasher.

I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."

A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."

What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

"I thought what we had was special!"

I love stairs. They always bring me up.

One time, little Johnny was watching TikTok, and he saw a toy that he wanted so badly, so he cleaned up the whole house and did his homework. When he was done, he saw a spill on the table. He went to the sink to grab a cloth, but when he came back, it was gone. He went to his mom's room and saw a drink with the label "daddy's drink," so he drunk it and said, "It's daddy's; he won't mind," and all day he was like the Flash. So he went back, turned the bottle around, and it said "Speedy," and then he said, "Oh, great heavens!"

Sorry, I don't have a joke here... Just wondering how idiots end up here complaining about offensive jokes when you ended up here. You had to click that section on purpose, right? If you can't take it, piss the fuck off... If I'd be gay and I'd look up gay jokes and get offended... how stupid is that?

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder.