Ups jokes

Why aren’t short people allowed to be mentors?

Because you can’t look up to them.

Yo mama so fat, when she went to a dating service, they ended up matching her up with Pittsburgh.

Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...

What comedy skill can’t any cripple master?

Stand up.

Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure!"

Yo mama so fat, when she made a joke, only one person laughed at it: the pavement. It was absolutely cracking up!

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"

How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.

What did the kangaroo say to the elephant? Hi up there!

Why would a dead guy lie?

Because he can't stand up.

What did the shoe say to the other shoe?

Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.

Yo man, stand up.

*short person stands*

No, seriously man, stand up!

"Mommy, mommy, where's my school dress... ewww!"

"Shut up and leave the bedroom."

My grandad broke his legs.

To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

Quote of the day: It's never too late to be what you wished you were.

Hope y'all are having a great day! I just got back from a volleyball tournament that I had to be up at 5 AM for! We played three games and won the last one. We advanced and are playing a few more tomorrow. Wish me and my team good luck!

A son walks up to his dad and says, "I'm so gay right now!"

"HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT!!!" screams the dad.

"No, gay as in HAPPY," says the confused son, "I'm so happy right now!"

"Oh," says the dad, "why are you happy?"

Then the son said, "Because I just got 20 dollars for sucking a guy off."

Sorry, I don't have a joke here... Just wondering how idiots end up here complaining about offensive jokes when you ended up here. You had to click that section on purpose, right? If you can't take it, piss the fuck off... If I'd be gay and I'd look up gay jokes and get offended... how stupid is that?

This bunny named Mason came up to a bar and ordered a beer and a burger. He sits at a table and the waiter brought a huge burger.

Mason: "Heh. Good thing I eat like a horse." He looks up at the waiter.

Waiter: "You are a nasty little bunny, aren't you?"

Mason screamed and ran away as the waiter chased him... she was a HORSE.