Ups

Ups jokes

Minefield

    • So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.

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    • Candy

    • Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.

    Jack got a big shock with a mouth full of huge cock, because Jill's real name is Randy, and she had no candy, just he gave Jack a handy.

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    • Calendar

    • Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

    Spiderman: "Yes."

    Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

    Spiderman: "Why?"

    Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

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    • Ups memes

    Student

    • It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

    1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

    "You’re not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

    "Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

    After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

    1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

    "No, you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

    "No, as a matter of fact, I don’t," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

    "Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don’t care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

    "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

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    • Couple

    • A young couple gets banned from church.

    There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

    After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

    Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

    Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

    "We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

    "I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

    "We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

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    • Penis

    • Jack and Jill ran up the hill to pop some pills,

    And Jill said, "Jack can do her without here will," and Jack's penis was still.

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    • Newspaper

    • The other day, I stumbled upon a comic strip in the newspaper. As I started reading, I could feel a smile creeping onto my face. The characters were so relatable, their situation so absurd, yet so familiar, it was impossible not to find it amusing.

    The punchline was unexpected, yet it made perfect sense within the context of the story. It was that surprise, that sudden twist, that made me burst out laughing. It was as if the comic strip had set up a joke and I had walked right into it, completely unsuspecting. The laughter bubbled up from within me, a spontaneous reaction to the unexpected humor.

    In that moment, I realized the power of humor. It's not just about making people laugh. It's about bringing joy, about making people see the world from a different perspective, even if just for a moment. And that's why I found that comic strip so funny. It wasn't just a joke, it was a moment of joy, a moment of surprise, a moment of seeing the world in a different light.

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    • Lamp

    • I chucked a lamp and a depressed kid, hoping it would brighten up his day.

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    • Plane

    • Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? Here's a good example...

    A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apparently) threw out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "Why are you running?"

    "My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!"

    They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?"

    "Grandma farted and the house blew up!"

    Road Trip

    • Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

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    • Shampoo

    • Don't use Head and Shoulders, just use Head; otherwise, you'll end up in the retarded situation Stephen Hawking went through.

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