Ups jokes

How does the earth rate its sex?

Earthquake, Cataclysm, Volcano explosion, Earth's core explodes.

If the earth's core explodes, then he got tore up!

What did the Twin Towers say when they saw the airplane?

Batter up!

I went up to a kid and asked, "Are you an orphan?" They said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

My friend, what's up?

Me: What's up in space is planets and stars.

One time a crow saw a peacock and then wanted to be like a peacock, so he picked up peacock feathers and then wore them.

Then he starts walking and everybody thinks he's strange, and then his friends are not his friends anymore, and then after that he says, "Friends, please be my friends again. I'm sorry, I will be the way I am."

Fat jokes and mom jokes😂

1. So fat when she sat on the toilet, she said, "A B C D E F G, get your fat ass off me."

2. So fat, your dad and her were in bed and tried to kiss. He’d have to slap her belly and ride the third wave up.

3. Yo mama so fat that when she went to Japan in a green bikini, they all started yelling, "Godzilla, Godzilla."

4. Your mama’s so fat when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!

5. Bill was so fat when he stepped on the scale, it said "to be continued."

6. Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

My mom said she wanted to be a comedian when she grows up. So after she was an adult, she had kids. When they were old enough, she told them you could be whatever you want...

So a man walks into the bar. The bartender looks to him and says, "You look like you're having a rough day, tell me about it?"

The man then stood up and became Mario!

Thank you so much for helping me get to 20 followers! I'm so happy, every time I look at my followers going up, it makes me so happy. I can't wait to keep posting other things on here! <3

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"

Nah, did your barber catch a seizure while lining you up?

This bunny named Mason came up to a bar and ordered a beer and a burger. He sits at a table and the waiter brought a huge burger.

Mason: "Heh. Good thing I eat like a horse." He looks up at the waiter.

Waiter: "You are a nasty little bunny, aren't you?"

Mason screamed and ran away as the waiter chased him... she was a HORSE.

Q: Why do birds need feathers?

A: To cover up their butt quack!

To Gwen and Freshfry: Hi Gwen and Freshfry, you have been so amazing to me and now to my sister. You are the people who I look up to. People are mean to us because I am adopted. Thank you for all of your support!

One day I was walking along the street and I found some caution tape... Just sitting there torn up... Beat up, and you could barely unravel it anymore because I would just burst into shreds... It kinda reminded me of what happened to my sister's killer... They still haven’t found him yet... I’m really good at hide and seek!

What do you call an Irish man that breaks up fights?

Liam Malone.

What do feminists and tampons have in common?

They're both stuck-up cunts.

What do you call a booty that tells jokes?

A crack-up!

Teacher: Stand up if you think you are stupid.

After a while, a student stands up.

Teacher: So you think you are stupid?

Student: No, I'm not stupid. I just felt bad because you were standing by yourself.