Ups jokes
I see a kid crying in the park, right? So I go up to him and say, "Hey, where are your parents?" and he says, "Well, my dad left to get the milk and never came back, and my mother died in a plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle."
I prank called someone and I said, "Is there a Missis Wall there?" They said no. Is there a Mr. Wall there? They said no. Are there any Walls there? They said no. Then what's holding up your building?
Stan says shut the f**k up or sit your ass down on that b***h chair!
A black dude shows up to a job interview for a watermelon farmhand gig, resume full of fried chicken joint experience. The boss asks, "Why should I hire you?" He stutters, "Uh, I got skills in... uh..." Before he can finish, a hulk-like, veiny, muscular, giant transgender man storms in, straps him to the interview desk with velvet cuffs, drips hot wax on his back from a candle shaped like a massive dick, and rams his ass relentlessly while whispering, "Welcome to the team, bitch. Your probation starts now."
Why aren’t short people allowed to be mentors?
Because you can’t look up to them.
When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?
So many of these jokes are unoriginal, and you guys need to step up your game.
What do Special Ed kids and fast kids have in common? They like to do things sped up.
A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.
The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”
The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”
How do homeless people move where they're living?
They pick up their box and walk away.
Yo mama so fat that Hannibal Lecter couldn't eat her up.
My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.
She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
You signed up for football, but you're no good.
Addison Banks Age (8)
"I'm a little brat who won't shut the hell up! And stop talking!"
If you have a girlfriend/crush that's shorter than you, go up to her and say, "You're short, lemme add some inches."
Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jill could lick Jack's candystick, but Jill got a surprise when she saw her boyfriend Rik. He got so angry Jack has no candystick no more. Jill went home with a black eye, and Rik got arrested for cutting Jack's candystick.
What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.