Ups

Ups jokes

Ass

    • I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

    Saxophone

    • I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.

    Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(

  • 1

    • Sex

    • What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

    "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

    Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

    They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

    Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.

    I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

    Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

    What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring.

    What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

    "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

    A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

    How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

    If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

    A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

    What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

    Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

    What does a perverted frog say? "Rubbit."

    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.

    How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

    Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

    An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

    Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.

    What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

    Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

    What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

    How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.

    What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

    What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.

    What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.

    What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off.

    What did the leper say to the sex worker? "Keep the tip."

    What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.

    What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

    What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers.

    What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas.

    Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes.

    A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

    What did one butt cheek say to the other? "Together, we can stop this crap."

    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

    What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.

  • 6
    • Ups memes

    Social media

    • Thank you so much for helping me get to 20 followers! I'm so happy, every time I look at my followers going up, it makes me so happy. I can't wait to keep posting other things on here! <3

    Sex

    • One day, Little Johnny came home with his girlfriend and told his dad, "We're gonna go to my room and do some homework." His dad said okay. Five minutes later, Little Johnny's dad heard noises coming from his room, so he went to go see what it was, and all he heard was, "Baby, baby, oh, baby, baby, oh." Little Johnny's dad started banging on the door and said, "Little Johnny, what are you doing in there?" Then Little Johnny said, "Dad, we're just having sex." Then Little Johnny's dad said, "Oh, I thought you were listening to some Justin Bieber up in here."

  • 3

    • Shooter

    • When the school shooter runs out of ammo: K a l m.

    When he grabs a full mag: P a n i k.

    When he looks back and doesn't see you, but you're hiding in one of the classrooms: K a l m.

    When the autistic kid's Sketchers light up: P A N I K.

    Song

    • Stressed Out - By - Twenty One Pilots and watersharky Music Productions - I wish I found some better sounds No one's ever heard. I wish I had a better voice That sang some better words. I wish I found some chords In an order that is new. I wish I didn't have to rhyme Every time I sang.

    I was told when I get older All my fears would shrink. But now I'm insecure And I care what people think. My name's Blurryface and I care what you think. My name's Blurryface and I care what you think.

    Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out We're stressed out

    Sometimes a certain smell will Take me back to when I was young How come I'm never able to identify Where it's coming from? I'd make a candle out of it If I ever found it Try to sell it, never sell out of it I'd probably only sell one. It'd be to my brother, cause we have the same nose Same clothes, home grown The stone's throw from a creek we used to roam But it would remind us of when Nothing really mattered Out of student loans and tree house homes We all would take the latter My name's Blurryface and I care what you think My name's Blurryface and I care what you think

    Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out

    Used to play pretend Give each other different names We would build a rocket ship and then we'd fly it far away Used to dream of outer space But now they're laughing at our face singing "Wake up, you need to make money", yeah Used to play pretend Give each other different names We would build a rocket ship And then we'd fly it far away Used to dream of outer space But now they're laughing at our face singing "Wake up, you need to make money", yeah

    Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out Wish we could turn back time To the good old days When our momma sang us to sleep But now we're stressed out

    We used to play pretend, used to play pretend, money We used to play pretend, wake up you need the money Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, money We used to play pretend, wake up you need the money Used to play pretend Give each other different names We would build a rocket ship And then we'd fly it far away Used to dream of outer space But now they're laughing at our face saying "Wake up, you need to make money", yeah