Ups jokes
What did Michael Jackson say before he broke up with Billie Jean?
"Billie Jean is not my lover!"
I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.
I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."
Why do orphans not care about sleep? Because they have no one to wake up to.
Hey, what's up?
Hey girl, do you like Harry Potter?
Because I want to wingardium leviosa up that skirt, alohamora those legs open, and aqua erupto inside of your leaky cauldron.
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
One thing you can ask Mario:
"Can you jump up and down for me?"
We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.
Yo mama is so fat, she got mixed up with Godzilla!
Freddy: I'm coming for you >:)
Me: God, no, help!
*game notification pops up with very loud sound*
A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.
Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"
How do you lift a depressed person up?
No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.
What colors were Kurt Cobain's eyes? Blue! One blew right and the other blew up!
My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.
Jantje goes on a walk with his grandmother. Jantje sees 1 dollar on the street and picks it up.
The grandmother says: "Hey, Jantje! No picking up things from the floor! They are ugly and bad!"
Then they keep walking. The grandmother slips and asks Jantje to help her stand up. Jantje answers: "No! Everything on the ground is ugly and bad."
I read a sign. What it meant to say is, "You matter, don't give up." What I read was, "You don't matter, give up."
I was at a friend's place yesterday, and... There was a mother, father, three sons, and a daughter.
That night the mother and father started fucking each other. I yelled and told them there are innocent children in this house.
An hour later, they started up again. I walked to their room and they were asleep, so I looked in the brothers' room and all three brothers were fucking the sister.
I sighed at this. "Incest aside, you guys make a cute family." I started, "So Anna, when am I gonna have nieces and nephews?" They stopped instantly and went to sleep. "Thank you," I replied before walking back to my room they let me sleep in and I passed out for the rest of the night.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and sick his dick.
Why did Bella Thorne pass gas on "Shake It Up Chicago?" Because I gave her too split pea soup for breakfast.
Why is he called Stephen Hawking?
Because he is always trying to hawk up phlegm to clear his throat.