Ups

Ups jokes

Assault

    • A black guy walks into a store to buy some watermelon and fried chicken. The cashier says, "That'll be $20." He pulls out his wallet, but it's empty. Suddenly, a bigger black guy bursts in, grabs him, and says, "Time to pay up, n***a!" Then he bends him over the counter and fucks him in the ass.

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    • Traffic

    • A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

    The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."

    The officer said, "There is no traffic."

    The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"

    Russia

    • Russia be like we're strong, gets ass beat up by a comedian with a hook nose...

    #i stand with Ukraine 🇺🇦

    Ups memes

    Trampoline

    • Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.

    I asked an angel, "How did I die?"

    "Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."

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    • Museum

    • The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."

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    • Abortion

    • I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.

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    • Squirrel

    • A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for winter, so now I am dead!" Haha, it is funny because the squirrel gets dead.

    Parrot

    • A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

    They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

    The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

    The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.

    The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.

    When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.

    The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."

    The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"

    The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"

    The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"

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    • Sister

    • My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.

    Phone Call

    • Prince might be with a new girl, but he still wants Gwen, who doesn't? Other half.

    Gwen on the phone with Prince: Prince, stop sending me letters, poems, and memes through Gmail. We broke up, it's over!

    Prince on the phone with Gwen: I know, but that new girl that I been seeing is not you! I miss you a lot! Please come back to me.

    Gwen on the phone with Prince: I'm gonna hang up now!

    Prince on the phone with Gwen: PLEASE DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Gwen on the phone with Prince: Sorry, I can't hear you...you're breaking up...what?!

    Prince on the phone with Gwen: Gwen! DO NOT HANG UP !!!!!!!!

    Gwen on the phone with Prince: Okay...bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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