Ups jokes
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
Jack and Jill went up the hill each with $20. Jill came down with $40. Fucking whore!!!!
Tonight, I picked up an anorexic prostitute.
It was really easy because she was only about 90 pounds.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a thrill with pills. Jack came down, fuck a clown, and the cum made them frown.
What is wet going up and wet going down but doesn't move?
A mountain!
hehehehehehehehehehe
Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?
He didn't wanna hang out.
My brother puts his butt in his face and says, "Kyle, you're cracking me up!"
If I went out with a dwarf, when I pick them up, I'll say, "Wassup short?"
Solve this equation: a gay boy + a whole lot of drugs = A hyped up f'ing machine.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
What is the state of California best for? Screwing everything up!
What is the state of Florida for? Rednecks for days!
What is the state of Texas for? Guns!
What is the state of Utah for? Mormons and Pligs baby! (I hate all of the religious stuff!)
What is the state of Idaho for? Calling other people Ho's, mostly!
What is the state of Nevada for? Ever heard of gambling?
What is the state of Delaware for? Literally anything that isn't exciting!
What is the state of New York for? In my state of mind, it's a song! (If you don't get this one, look up the song of New York State of Mind)
Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church.
A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, but the third nun, her arm was too short.
My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.
Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"
What's Asian but has broken up with its girlfriend?
A dumpling.
What can change color and get beat up?
You.
Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"
Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.
LOL
Why does no one look up at Steven Hawking?
You have to look down to see him.
I get knocked down, but I get up again, as long as I have 46 chromosomes.