Ups jokes
When did “yo” mean Hello?
They are so different, how did they come to mean the same thing? Did someone just walk up and accidentally say “llo” instead of hello and people were just like “what did you say?” and the man being embarrassed just made up a story and say “oh, I said yo, which means hello in my original language."
Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"
What did the two crewmates say when they were hanging on a rope? Polus up!
I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."
I was at the club and then my dad walked up and said, "You're 15, why are you high and at the club?" So I ran. Then my uncle was at the car and took me home, so I was grounded. Then my boyfriend came because my parents went out and we had sex and we were very loud. My dad came home and walked in. He had my boyfriend pin me against the wall so my dad could spank me.
Tip for Kindness for the day.
Tip one. Always speak up for yourself.
Yes, letting someone else speak up for you is nice but also speak up for yourself, be brave if a mean bully comes along. Speak up for yourself and others if they need it. Best, Gwen
He was in a fight, then a person said, "Stand up for yourself!"
Emos are weird to me because they dress up all black, and you know I don't like that, so that's why I don't like it.
You know how on Snapchat "hmu" means hit me up? A school posted "smu." Nikolas Cruz responded.
What is the difference between cremation and smoking?
While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.
Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!
What time is it when you say, "Wake up?"
It is morning.
To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.
“Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”
“Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”
I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
Did you leave your hairline at the airplane, because it's going up?
One time you walked up to a mirror, but it’s shattered because of your reflection.
If you give this a thumbs down, you're gay. If you give it a thumbs up, you're straight.
The man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny piano player. The piano player starts playing the piano. The guy next to him asks where he got that. The man says there is a genie out on the corner granting wishes.
So the man sitting next to him jumps up and runs outside. He says to the genie, "I want a million bucks." The genie snaps his fingers, and a million ducks appear in the road. The man comes back inside and says, "Hey, that genie is a little hard of hearing." The man says, "Well, did you really think I'd ask for a 12-inch pianist?"
If this pops up on your timeline, fuck you!