Ups Jokes

Confucius say, female pilot who fly upside down have crack up.

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in, and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said,"Drama queen!"

You raise me up to stand on mountains said the drawf pornstar on my penis

My friend: you ever feel like life is pointless *drives faster* Me: yea- My friend: if you could die with one person who would it be? *speeds up more* Me: H-hey you should slow down! slow down slow down! were about to-

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake but it ended up fulfilling the 5 year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

An asain went to bed at 9:00 woke up at 6 people say he still sleeping

I work in a garage and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said,"why wont my car go straight

What's the same with shoes and slaves? When they get lose you tie them up

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?

Because the pond was to shallow

Someone: PLEASE EAT I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE *Me tryna remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because ive already googled it and given up because it takes too long* Me: Na yeah I still have 19 days left

when you see a depressed kid you walk up and say "wassup my lil barcode"

Two priests walk into a store and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester and the priests both say I’ll do it

why did the emo break up with her boyfriend

he didnt wanna hang out.

next time u see a Brit, go up to them and say:

Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston'

Guy: "can I tell you a joke?" Spiderman: "yes" Guy: "you only have 11 months on your calendar" Spiderman: "why" Guy: holds up knife* "because I murdered May"

The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on, I said : Are you an orphan?. He said : Yeah what gave me away? I said : Your parents buddy