Ups jokes

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.

A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"

One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."

I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas, my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved... and shot her.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

I'd like to relish the fact that you've mustered up the courage to ketchup to my level.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you are in prison.

Give a man a plane ticket, he’ll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane flying 10,000 miles up, he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

ssundee: "If this video gets to 100k likes, I'll post part 2."

SSUNDEE WIFE: "SHUT THE #### UP!"

Why’s it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice.

When you're the only one bullying the weird kid and you're absent on the day he shoots up the school. ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄

What do you call a retreat in war?

A backup plan.

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

A white dude walks up to a Muslim and says, "So you're an Indian?" and the Muslim says, "No brotha, I'm not 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11."

The twin towers are like water bottles.

It's all right if you knock them down as long as you pick up the mess.

Stephen Hawking was one of the best scientists ever. Now he's walking up the steps of he... No, he's not walking up the steps of heaven.

A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."

The gay kid tried to shoot up the school, but his shots would not go straight.