Ups jokes
Jack and Jill went up the hill each with $20. Jill came down with $40. Fucking whore!!!!
A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...
Your friend walks up to you and shows you a picture of an overweight woman.
What would you rate this woman?
A 7.
Why?
Because 7 ate 9!
I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.
I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.
Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)
Shep
I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.
Why is sucking cock inside the confessional booth the only thing that a catholic priest doesn't have to give up for lent?
Because catholic priests don't have to be vegetarians during lent.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
(Best pick-up line ever). Your body is like 9/11. I wanna crash into your twin towers. 😏
Two baked beans traveled around Australia.
They both ended up in Cairns.
Teacher: "I'll call your mother."
Orphan: "Go on, see if she picks up."
As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"
Hey girl, are your pants a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in them.
Joker gives Batman a phone.
Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."
Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"
Why does an orphanage stay overnight at a school? Cause their parents won't pick them up.
Confucius say, female pilot who fly upside down have crack up.
I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!
Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"
An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."