Ups jokes

A burglar breaks into a weapons engineer's house, hoping to loot the high-tech arsenal. Suddenly, the engineer yells from upstairs, "Hey! Stop right there!"

The burglar, trying to play tough, screams, "Hands up! I know you've got the goods! Open the armory or I'll shoot!"

The engineer, trembling, cries, "Okay, okay! Don't shoot! I'll give you everything, even my latest prototype!"

The burglar, eyes gleaming with greed, demands, "Prove it! Let me see this fancy new gun first!"

The engineer points to a target range. "It's a plasma blaster," he claims. "Go ahead, give it a shot."

The burglar aims at the bullseye, pulls the trigger, and—BANG!—the gun fires directly into his own chest.

As the thief collapses, the engineer cackles, "Surprise! It's not plasma; it's my new 'Reverse-Recoil Special,' specifically designed for uninvited guests!"

Jacob Wheet, if you don't understand, look it up.

I was wearing a mask and told the teacher I ate her vagina. She said what? I pulled my mask down and said, "No, I said I like your hyenas." Then a kid sees me do it, but he only heard the first part, so he goes up to the teach and says, "I'ma fuck you tonight." She said, "Pull your mask down," and he pulls his mask down and says, "I'ma fuck you tonight."

Q: What's the best way to eat a squirrel?

A: Open up its little legs.

Why did the booty break up with the fart?

It was just too much GASLIGHTING.

Your mom is so dumb that somebody told her, "Go get a life," so she went to play Super Mario and got a 1-up.

Why did C.S.C. fail the trigonometry test?

Cosecant remember his own name.

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Hey, what's the puniest pun you can come up with?

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

Your mama is so far that when she told a joke, no one was laughing, but the floor was literally cracking up.

Once Roblox popped up in my server, be like, "Roblox, what are you doing?"

Me: "What the heck?" Me: "How did I get in your server?"

Roblox: "You've been banned for just cheating!"

I killed myself, then woke up.

Why is a giraffe's neck so long?

Because his head is so high up in the air.

EVERYONE:

"My boyfriend, Danny, broke up with me. Can some hot guy come, so I can interview them and see if they wanna date me?"

I looked at you, and you were bald until I got slapped up by Will Smith to the back of your head and saw the Great Wall of China.

What do you call a car on the side of the road, lit up and ablaze?

Paul Walker's death.

Where’s the English Channel?

Johnny: “I don’t know. My television doesn’t pick it up.”

What's up?

A rocket from NASA.

OMG SO FUNNYY!

You may not like me, but you still look up to me.

Why do Indian people have bad tempers? Because when they were growing up, their parents told them they couldn't have a cow, so they threw a tantrum instead.