Ups jokes

True Story

A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"

The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.

A small boy went up to a dog fountain? The more you. HAHA gorgeous ddollars of benjamin frnakus wghen hes wearing beakini bea at the beach hahaha.

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

A penis is driving a car when all of a sudden it gets hit by a car, what did the penis end up saying?

Aaaawwwww I got dicklash!

Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.

What's the difference between an orphan and a baby?

The orphan gets back up.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

What does a bungee jumper and a homosexual have in common?

When the rubber snaps, they both end up in the shit! 💩

The daughter walks up to her father and asks him, "Dad, can I ask you something?"

The father says, "Of course, what's your question?"

The daughter replies and asks, "How do you feel about abortion?"

The father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?"

The daughter replies, "I don't have a sis-"

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.

But I also think I screwed it up.

When you lose a game of Kahoot, so you kashoot up the school.

A small, nervous woman steps into a hotel elevator in Las Vegas.

At the next floor, three large, burly men step in. The woman is immediately intimidated and clutches her purse tightly.

Suddenly, one of the men says in a deep voice: "Hit the floor!"

Terrified that she is about to be robbed, the woman drops her bags and collapses face down onto the floor of the elevator, cowering in fear.

The men burst out laughing and help the bewildered woman up. The speaker apologizes profusely and says: "No, ma'am, I meant hit the button for our floor!"

The next morning, the woman receives a massive bouquet of roses and has her entire hotel bill paid for. Attached is a note that says: "Thanks for the best laugh I've had in years."

Back in ancient Greece, there was a Greek Skyrim, but instead of FUS ROH DAH, the main character said, "Me damnit, Ganymede, get the #10 lightning bolt, I hate it when Helios lets his kids drive!"

If you don't get this, look up the story of Phaethon, and if you STILL don't get it, then you are dumb.

I don't beat up midgets.

That would be punching down.

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

One knight, a king, and a queen went fishing. They each caught one fish, so how did three fish end up in the bucket?

One "knight"!!!

My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.

Russia be like we're strong, gets ass beat up by a comedian with a hook nose...

#i stand with Ukraine 🇺🇦