My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.
Ups Jokes
You're the bus driver. The bus driver picks up twenty kids, drops two, picks up eighty. Drops seven, picks up a woman with green eyes, drops off a man with blue, kicks a kid in the face, and buried his mother.
Who's the bus driver?
You will never nose [know].
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and Rocket League? You can't stand up.
Yo mama so tall!!! When she wakes up from her bed, she stands up and finds NASA beside her face, and she thinks it's a fly!!!
Me: I’m going to get burrito 🌯
Friend: You can have my burrito baby.
Gay.
Friend: *begins to moan*
Me: Finna hang up.
So, I got my blind friend a Big Mac for his birthday. A week later, he walked up to me and said,
"Damn, that was the most violent book I've ever read."
Russians think they are tougher than Americans. Here are some reasons for the Russians out here reading this:
1. USA was NEVER invaded!
2. USA never commits as many war crimes as Russia does!
3. USA made the first nuclear weapon so yeah shove that up your ass, Russians!
4. Our soldiers don’t rape kids.
5. We have more allies than you.
6. We are smaller but stronger.
7. Random civilians in the USA have stronger guns than Russian military does!
I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called "serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.
Why is that a joke?
Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.
Why is that a joke?
Dude, come on, you want to start your day off happy or not?
Why is that a joke?
She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.
No seriously, dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.
One day whilst walking up a hill, Jack saw a prostitute named Jill. Jill was dressed in kinky, leather gear that made Jack really, really horny.
Jack, who hadn't stuck it in for a few weeks, was keen to ask this sexy young maiden how much she would charge. "1 buck for a suck, 2 buck for a fuck," she said as she stroked his ever-hardening one-eyed snake.
"Yeah, I'll have both of them," said Jack, who was about to cum in his trousers. So Jill led Jack to behind the well, and they sucked and fucked for an hour. After that, they both contracted AIDS and died of it, as they did not see a doctor. THE END
Little Steven was scared to take a shower by himself, so he asked his mum to shower with him. She said ok just don’t look up. He looked up and said wow what are those. She said they are headlights. He looked under and stuck his finger in it and said oh what is that. She said that’s a Pu-pu-pu Bush!!
The next day Steven’s mom wasn’t home so he asked his Papa can I shower with you? He said ok just don’t look up. Well Steven looked up and said WTH IS THAT? His dad said it’s a Snake. That night he asked his parents if he can sleep with them. They said ok Just don’t look under the covers. He grew bored then looked under and Screamed mom turn on the headlights There’s a snake in the bush.
What do Call of Duty players say when they shoot up a school?
654-721-8940
(If you understand the joke, you're a god.)
If I went out with a dwarf, when I pick them up, I'll say, "Wassup short?"
Brendon, just shut up, no one was talking to you on the fucking joke! And my sis is not a female dog. If she was, then how the hell would she spell!
What do lovely men and tampons have in common?
Both lick up the juices of the women they were made for.
What did the blender say to the orange juice?
"What the fuck are you, you are so fucking stupid, shut the fuck up."
Spongebob: Easy now, you try first. Get a jar.
Patrick: *picks up nuke*
Spongebob: Patrick, that's a nuke!
Patrick: Yes.
Nuke: *boom*
When you end up pregnant...
Mom told me if a boy touched my breast I should say "DON'T," and if he touched me down there I should say "STOP." But Dad, he touched me both places at once so I said, "DON'T STOP! DON'T STOP!" 😂
Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"
We hired this boy to pick up dog poop. We just remembered that we don't have a dog.
Why don’t rappers tell secrets?
Because they always end up DROPPING it.
