Ups jokes
Teacher: Here, have candy.
Kid: No, I’m too fat.
Teacher: Shut up, or I’m gonna fail you.
*Next week*
Teacher: Okay kids, get off the floor and go back to your seats.
Kid: I’m too fat to get up.
Teacher: Don’t you remember what I said?
Kid: Yep, elephants don’t forget.
What song did Michael Jackson come up with after his first sleepover with the kid?
"Just Beat It."
I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."
Are you a noose, 'cause I wanna hang out with you?
1, 2, Freddy's coming for you.
3, 4, better lock your door.
5, 6, grab a crucifix.
7, 8, stay up late.
9, 10, never sleep again.
I love this song, y'all! Like if you love it too! :)
When you're so rich that you can buy anything, you end up getting a cow in your living room. Yeah, anyways, my ex is still in my living room.
My friend dreamed of being a porno star.
He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.
The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!
What's simultaneously up and down?
A retard on a plane.
I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
I’m trying to see things from LEO’S perspective... but I just can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...
...I told him to lighten up.
Michael proved anything is possible in America. Where else can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman?
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
A black dude hits up a trap house for some crack and Hennessy, flashing his grill and boasting 'bout his gangsta life. The dealer snarls, "Pay up, fool. Or face the pipe!" He shrugs, "I'm broke, n***a." Suddenly, the dealer's ripped enforcer yanks him down, cuffs his hands with zip ties, shoves a vibrating dildo gag down his throat, slaps his ass red with a spiked paddle, then rams his throbbing monster cock into that tight hole, pounding savagely while choking him with a chain collar, flooding his guts with hot cum as he moans, "That's your high, bitch. Addicted yet?"
A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did, and the ended up liking each other and getting married and living happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy actually snuck in Rayne's house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.
Information has been leaked from government sources. When the current lock-up ends, the holder of the nation's purse, Fishi Rucksack, will launch a new initiative.
This will be to help the struggling "personal services" industry and will be labelled, "Sleep out to Help out."
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
Did you leave your hairline at the airplane, because it's going up?