Ups jokes

When the school shooter drops his gun, and the autistic kid picks it up thinking it’s his long lost nerf gun.

Why did Johnny drop his pencil?

To look up girls' skirts! 😬🤯😲😳😱🙀🙊

Hey, I broke up with your girl.

-Me: What? Why?

Wait, what?

-Me: You f**ked her, so it's your baby.

I gave up my seat to blind lady because she couldn't find any--let's just say I lost my job as a bus driver.

Stephen Hawking is the fastest footballer ever--he could just charge up the Left Wing!

I had a dream about a car, and I woke up exhausted.

How does a butcher keep his tent up in the wind? Steaks.

What did the guy with no teeth say to a blind guy... How many fingers am I holding up?

I just came up with a really good deaf people joke! The great thing is that they won't be able to hear it!

Plz look up rainbow kiss - Bill Cosby.

No one:

Literally no one:

Abraham Lincoln: *dies*

John Wilkes Booth: *ranks up*

Your mumma so fat she takes up 4 seats of the sofa.

What happens when Stephen Hawking wakes up from his sleep?

"Log in."

What does having sex with a woman and cooking an egg in a skillet have in common?

Both end with a loud annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean the shit up.

"What do you want to eat?"

"You choose."

"Children."

"What?"

*Picks up pot*

"You said anything!"

Asian conversation:

Person 1: Ni hao, how's it going?

Person 2: Konnichiwa, what's up?

Person 1: I've bing chilling.

What happened when a kid bullied an orphan?

The orphan said, "I’m going to tell my mom!"

Bully: "I wanna see your mom!"

Narrator: At that moment, he knew he messed up.

This was my friend's joke he wanted me to post;)

A girl in the shop was getting bullied. She came to me saying, "I’m getting bullied." I told her, "Stand up for herself."

I'm gonna open up a bar for emos.

I think I'll call it "The Cutting Board."

I rub lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.