Ups jokes
How do you cause an African parade?
You just carry a water bottle around and hold it up!
Why did you and Sarah break up?
'Cause she cheetahed on me.
If this pops up on your timeline, fuck you!
Why does fireman wear red suspenders?
To hold his pants up.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some chips and sweets.
No, he can't keep his heart rate down, and she's got diabetes.
Memes
Your hairline is so messed up, it made Jeffrey Dahmer cry.
What goes up but never goes down?
My grades.
(I wish)
Why are people so worked up about 9/11? They were just playing Jenga.
Sorry for this Pick Up Line.
Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11, so let me put my plane in and let kids fall out.
Why did Hitler go for handicap?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
People are so f***ed up. I belated "Frickin' BTW!"
So a lady came up to me today at the bank, and she asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What's the difference between emos and 9/11?
The emos are still there, high up off the ground.
I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.
There were two twins, and they were both very tall.
The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? I fucking hate their whiny asses and beat them up.
Never search up "monkey with blue balls."
This ole boy picked up this hooker and was getting some head driving down the road, and she started gagging on it a little, and he said, "Oh yeah baby, you like that big dick, don't ya?" and she said, "Oh baby, it's not that, ya asshole stinks!"
Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?
His internet connection ran out.
I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.
I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!