Ups Jokes

The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.

What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

I was playing hangman, and I gave up on the word "LIFE".

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

🛏️

The image shows two pictures. The first picture shows a very hard, uncomfortable, stone-like bed with the text “My bed when I try to sleep:”. The second picture shows a very luxurious and comfortable bed with the text “My bed when I try to wake up:”.

When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

Unlike my syndrome, I keep my chin up. 🙌🏽😁

Cannibal (n.) Someone who is fed up with people.

When I grow up, I wanna be like Lil Peep... Dead.

Why did the Chinese woman hang up? Because she Wang the Wong number.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.

One day I was jogging through the park and I saw this lady sitting next to a pond in a wheelchair with no legs and arms and said "Why are you crying" she said she had never been hugged I gave her a hug and jogged away.The next day i saw her again and asked her the same question she said "I've never been kissed" I gave her a kiss and went, The third day i asked her thrice and she said I've never been fucked I picked her up from her wheelchair and throwed her in the pond and said your fucked now She didn't make it:)

I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."