Ups Jokes

When a school shooter walks to the intercom and plays pumped up kicks

I cried when my dad cut up onions, Onions was a good dog.

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone

one day a priest loses his cock (chicken) he goes to the church and says "who has seen a cock" all the woman raised their hands "no who has seen a cock that is not theirs" half the woman's hands went up "NO NO NO who has seen my cock" all the nuns hands went up

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her p*ssy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?!

A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He then picks his dog up by the tail and starts to swing him around. The bartender asks him "Hey man What the hell you doing?". Blind guy says "Just looking around"

Guy walks into a bar. Sees a hot girl. Walks up to her and says "your getting laid tonight" She replies "what are you some sort of psychic" He says "No i'm just stronger than you".

what do you get when you mix up a group of emos??

Suicide squad

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Jesus walks in to a motel throws 3 nails on the counter and says can you put me up for a night

What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest? Father Les.

Yo mama is so stupid she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “ i’ve got the power “

say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.

(Set up joke for the actual joke) So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog. (Actual joke) When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.