Ups jokes
Donibobes is an owl. (hehe look up donibobes YT!)
Mexican words of the day: Green, Pink, and Yellow :))
The phone go green green... I pink it up and say YELLOW!!??
I walk up to a kid. I ask where his parents are, and he started crying. Then I walked out of the orphanage.
A neighbor went up to me and asked me where my parents were. When I said, "In the bed," my neighbor said, "Oooooohh, how long is the penis?" I said, "Wait here," and I interrupted my parents while they were doing some "business" and asked my dad the exact question he said. Then he spanked me.
How many prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just put the light bulb up their pussy and ask you to pay.
Shrek once went to the movies and when he sat down he felt this slimy and sticky feeling on the chair, so he stood up and complained about his chair being dirty... until he realized that he forgot to wipe earlier... so he stopped complaining and went back to his chair and sat back down.
Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?
Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!
A woman walked up to me and asked me for a joke. I stood there with a straight face knowing women can't be funny.
Why can't Stephen Hawking win any arguments?
Because he can't stand up for himself.
My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.
Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"
The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"
A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
Freddy: I'm coming for you >:)
Me: God, no, help!
*game notification pops up with very loud sound*
My orphan terrorist friend is on TV... I think he blew up.
Your hairline is so bad that the Teen Titans gave up.
Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?
Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.
Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?
A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.
I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.
I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!
Gwen, you need to shut up, for once!
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.