Ups jokes

I got a chicken drum stick for lunch, thought I might drum up an appetite!

Stephen Hawking went on a date and came back with a broken leg. I can't believe she stood him up.

I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"

What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?

You can shut the book up.

A 98 year old man goes to bed on a one layer bed. He wakes up under it...

There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

"I want to be a hunter."

"Why?" the other babies ask.

"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."

So many of these jokes are unoriginal, and you guys need to step up your game.

There was this man, and he forgot about his wife's birthday. She was very upset and said that her present should come as fast as 1-200 by tomorrow. When she woke up, she saw a present in the bathroom. It was a scale.

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

So, a retarded kid's mom drops her kid off at school and says, "You better stop the bus today, because I’m not picking you up." So he agrees, and he arrives at the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The next day, the mom says the same thing, and the kid goes to the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The third day, his mom says, "I don’t care if I have to jump out in the middle of the road, you better stop that bus!" So the kid goes to the bus stop and jumps out in the middle of the road and says, "Stop!" The bus driver runs over him. A nearby lady stops the bus and says, "Why’d you run that poor kid over?" and he responds, "'Cause he was making fun of me" (in a retarded voice).

A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poker Face.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

Why are white teenagers the best for the army? They are good at shooting things up.

When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.