I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.
I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.
I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!
Why do people shake cigarette boxes?
To wake up the cancer.
Why did the man walk into a bar?
Because he just broke up and he needs alcohol, you dummy!
What's Asian but has broken up with its girlfriend?
A dumpling.
this one time i said to a person that tehy are dry they i was wet (ba dum tiss) my bully said i have to shut up i said shut down (ba dum tiss)
Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.
A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, making fun of the disabled. After all, they can't stand up for themselves.
How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...
Muslims love to exaggerate, that's why they always blow things up.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Confucius say, "man who go to sleep with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger."
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
