I hate stairs, they're always up to something.
A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."
Yo mama so fat that Hannibal Lecter couldn't eat her up.
Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
Because he told the man to put his hands up.
Why did tube date electricity? Because he would light up when she touched him.
A blind guy shot up a town.
I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.
Yo mama's so ugly, and her voice is so loud that The X Factor doesn't want or need her to show up to the performances when she sings.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?
It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.
A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast.
When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the "toast god" punchline, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man.
The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles.
Never trust a Justin, he is made up of atoms that make up everything.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.
Jacob Wheet, If You Don't Understand Look It Up
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Your momma so fat, when she stepped on the weighing scales, her phone number came up!
An Aussie, an Asian, and a Frenchman are in a bar.
The Asian throws his whiskey in the air and shoots it. The Frenchman asks, "Why did you do that?" The Asian says, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
The Frenchman throws his champagne in the air and shoots it. Then the Aussie asks, "Why did you do that?" The Frenchman replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
The Aussie then throws his beer up in the air and shoots the Asian. Then the Frenchman asked, "Why did you do that?" The Aussie then replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
