Ups jokes
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.
So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.
[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.
It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.
The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.
[Chorus 2x]
Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.
So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.
[Chorus]
And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.
Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?
Who else would think of adding gas?
If you turn Down syndrome upside down, do they have Up syndrome now?
I hate stairs, they're always up to something.
A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."
Yo mama so fat that Hannibal Lecter couldn't eat her up.
Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
Because he told the man to put his hands up.
Why did tube date electricity? Because he would light up when she touched him.
A blind guy shot up a town.
I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.
Yo mama's so ugly, and her voice is so loud that The X Factor doesn't want or need her to show up to the performances when she sings.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?
It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.
A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast.
When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the "toast god" punchline, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man.
The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles.
Never trust a Justin, he is made up of atoms that make up everything.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.
Jacob Wheet, if you don't understand, look it up.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.