Tree jokes

"Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop, When the wind blows, the baby will drop. Then the baby will lay on the ground, Not moving a muscle, not making a sound."

Why can’t the emo play in trees? They’ll leave ‘em hanging.

I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.

Why have there been so many deaths around the world?

Trees and ropes.

This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.

Why do orphans sit in apple trees?

They wait to be picked.

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

If trees were sentient, they would make their furniture out of bone, flesh, and blood.

Now ain't that cool?

What happened when the depressed person waved at a tree?

It left him hanging.

Why did the boy study for his math test in a tree?

'Cause he wanted higher grades.

What's brown and sticky? A stick!

A genealogist looks at the family tree.

A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

A lumberjack goes to a person's house.

Then he realized the tree was too big and was stumped and had to leaf.

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

What's the similarity between an emotional and a leaf?

The emo is still hanging.

You were supposed to be born in the tree.

The sticks were your siblings.

Trees are just bushes with lift kits.

There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.

On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."

So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.

Me: *listening to music under a tree and smiling*

Random person who sees me: Awwww look at him, he looks so so happy ^w^

Me: *actually listening to depressing music that makes me wanna kill and end myself but just smiles to show that everything's gonna be fine even if it won't*