Tree jokes

A genealogist looks at the family tree.

A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

A lumberjack goes to a person's house.

Then he realized the tree was too big and was stumped and had to leaf.

I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.

Why do orphans sit in apple trees?

They wait to be picked.

"Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop, When the wind blows, the baby will drop. Then the baby will lay on the ground, Not moving a muscle, not making a sound."

Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?

Why can’t the emo play in trees? They’ll leave ‘em hanging.

Two friends were hanging out with each other next to a tree.

Too bad only one was standing. :)

Why have there been so many deaths around the world?

Trees and ropes.

This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.

What happened when the depressed person waved at a tree?

It left him hanging.

If trees were sentient, they would make their furniture out of bone, flesh, and blood.

Now ain't that cool?

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

Why did the boy study for his math test in a tree?

'Cause he wanted higher grades.

What's brown and sticky? A stick!

Can we have sex, because if we don't, I can't like you, big, thick booty!

So let's have sex in bed, you sexy woman, or behind a tree, because shoving my dick in your pussy is a very nice feeling while sucking your ass.

Trees are just bushes with lift kits.

What's the similarity between an emotional and a leaf?

The emo is still hanging.

There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.

On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."

So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.