Tree Jokes

There once was a bear and a rabbit, and they hated each other.

The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a mystical talking tree. The tree said: “I can give you 3 wishes each if you will stop fighting!”

So the bear went first. “I wish all the bears inside the forest are ladies.” And all the bears within the forest became females.

The rabbit said: “I wish I had a helmet.” Rabbit gets the helmet, and the bear looks at him funny.

The bear wishes: “I wish all the bears in the United States are ladies.” The wish was granted.

The rabbit says, “I wish I’ve a bike.” By this point, the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he’s ever seen. The rabbit could wish for cash and have all the bikes in the world.

The bear says: “I wish all the bears inside the world are women.” The wish is granted.

While it’s the rabbit’s turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his bike, and says: “I wish that bear is gay.”

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!

What's worse than 5 babies tied to 5 trees?

1 baby tied to 5 trees.

Do you think the founder of Dunlop was a retired tree surgeon or a hairdresser?

If the broccoli said, "I look like a tree," then what did the mushroom say?

"I look like an umbrella."

Why did the bat fall out of the tree?

It couldn’t hang in there.

What's the difference between Vikkstar and a tree?

Nothing. They're both hollow on the inside and brown on the outside.

Three blonde girls are on an island, and they are much too far away from land to swim. They find a genie on the island who offers them each one wish. The first girl says, "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island!" So the genie makes her a redheaded girl, she cuts down a tree, makes it into a boat, and proceeds to row off the island.

The next girl says, "I wish I was even smarter than her so I don't have to do so much manual labor!" So she turns into a brunette and makes a sailboat and lets the wind take her off the island.

The final girl says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them!" So she turns into a man and takes the bridge.

Why is the Champs d'Elysees in Paris lined with trees?

Because German soldiers like marching in the shade!

One hot day a cow wanted some shade.

He found a tree and started resting under it, but there was a chicken bothering him. The cow exclaimed, "Moooove!" The chicken didn't move. Again, "Moooove!" and still the chicken wouldn't move. The cow yelled, "MOOOOOVE!" The chicken turned around and said, "FUCKOFF."

A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.

What do dogs do that trees don't do?

Answer: They bark!

badoom ching

Fruit is like ex-wives.

They both look really good hanging from a tree.

How do trees calculate square roots? They use log-arithms.

Ur dad lesbian.

Ur sister a mister.

Ur family tree LGBT.

Ur family reunion a homosexual communion.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?

You untie the rope.

How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?

You pull down your pants and show it your nuts.

An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.

What type of apple grows on a tree?

All of them.

What's the difference between leafmen and leafwomen? Palm trees.