Travel jokes

The UK is a joke. I want to leave ASAP.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

Roses are red.

Your passports are blue.

Now go stand over there,

In that very long queue!

I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.

They never got together at all.

My mom once ate a full giant cheesecake, and we were walking to our flight back home, and she had to sh*t.

We were walking to the bathroom, and she full on [did it] in front of the carousel. She had a lump of poo in her pants... True story, haha!

My friend misspelled "Mexico" and got here.

He sucked his sister's poop hole.

Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.

"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.

And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."

A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."

To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."

To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Why didn't R. Kelly go to Germany to fuck teens? The legal age there is 14...Like bro hop on a plane and fuck a 14 year old hooker!

What's the slowest train in the world? A slow coach!

My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

Yo Mama so stupid that when she saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.

Your mom is so small that she can fit in the luggage.

I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.

Which type of nut goes to outer space?

An astro-nut.

787 bowing.

Why can't you run through a campground?

Because it's "past tents!"

You know why you never wanna fly with an orphan?

'Cause then they know they won't die alone.