Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?
They say he had locomotives.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".
But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?
A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?
Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.
Q: How come in airports, they park the planes outside?
A: They don't belong in buildings.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"
What was the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life?
Taxi.
What do you call a bus full of transgender men? T-Mobile.
Why did the snail paint a big "S" on his car?
Because he wanted people to say look at that S-car go when he rolled by.
What do women and airplanes have in common?
A cockpit.
A pirate walked into a bar with his ship's steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, "Hey! What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"
What do you call someone that illegally transports cups? - A s-mug-gler.
Why didn't Sally get home from work?
She got hit by a bus.
I called a suicidal hotline in Iraq and they asked me if I could drive a truck.
What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing boeing boeing.
