Transportation jokes

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

What is yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children.

What goes 100mph and bounces up and down? A baby tied to the back of a truck.

Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.

I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

How did the dead baby cross the road?

It was strapped to the chicken.

Call me an escalator because I let people down.

What do you need in order to crash a train?

A bad track record.

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!

What's yellow but can't swim?

A bus full of children.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and angrily sits down. She says to a man next to her “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"

Do your buses run on time?

No, they run on diesel.

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.