I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"
Worst Jokes Ever
Parent: My parents never attended my birthdays.
Birthday girl: Oh wow!
Parent: Anyone missing?
Birthday girl: Your parents.
My dad died in 9/11. At least he did what he loves best: flying planes.
Why have there been so many deaths around the world?
Trees and ropes.
This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.
What is cold and alone?
An orphan's parent.
Why did he die? He forgot to get a new GPU for his new PC.
What is Stephen Hawking's favorite food?
Runner beans.
I made a website for orphans.
There’s no homepage.
They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.
They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they are all crying in a dark corner.
A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"
An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"
The Scouser says, "Liverpool."
The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"
The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
I'm so poor I have to put my Big Mac burger on layaway.
Who is Osama Bin Laden’s secret cousin? Barack Obama or Barack Osama Bin Laden?
Why do laws forbid hoes from owning stocks in condom makers?
Answer: Insider trading.
POV: Wine Taster in hell.
I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"
The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.
"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."
"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."
Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."
Moby Dick's father's name...
Papa Boner.
What does a plug do when he's horny?
He jacks off!
Finish the lyrics: Can I put my...
